"When force of circumstance upsets your equanimity, lose no time in recovering your self-control, and do not remain out of tune longer than you can help. Habitual recurrence to harmony will increase your mastery of it."
-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
I have never been one who tends toward the "mastery of harmony", especially harmony of the spiritual type spoken of here by the Stoic philosopher and Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius.
The spiritual path for me is truly like "a razor's edge" (to use a reference from the Katha-Upanishad), narrow, difficult, and painful to walk. This is even more true when I try to follow the spiritual path amongst the infinite diversions offered by modern everyday existence vice, say, the exquisite beauty, spartan environs, and ritualized existence associated with life in a Himalayan monastery. Life down here amongst the ugly and coarse certainly does not aid in understanding one's true nature unless one is armed with the years of spiritual training required to be able to see through this vulgar exterior without becoming jaded by it.
Because this path is difficult, it is easy to slip off it into the labyrinth of sensual diversion. Modern, western humanity is after all, like water: highly susceptible to the path of least resistance. Our progress has made us lazy. Sure, many of us are working longer hours, but for what? Money? A mortgage? A promotion (ie. more money)? Status? It is easy to put in 12-16 hours of work a day. What is not easy is binding oneself to a disciplined life, to control one's emotions and appetites, and to live with character and integrity.
I have neglected my martial arts practice for the past 6 weeks or so. I was recently (in Feb) diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Certainly not a life threatening condition, more of a nuisance than anything, but it has effected my self-discipline. Side effects of the disease that seem to effect me are extreme fatigue, arthritis, and abdominal pain. After a full 10-12 hour day at work, it becomes difficult to muster the energy to practice thus placing the stress of guilt on my mind for not attending. According to the professionals, undue stress will worsen my Crohn's, something I have found to be true in my case. Work is necessary. Practice is not. Therefore, practice must go. Or so the rationalization goes.
But I have found that without my martial practice, which for me cultivates a disciplined existence, life dissolves into a meaningless daily plod. Without the self-discipline acquired through martial practice, I search out other, less beneficial and often empty, ways to spend my time: watching movies, reading books or magazines, aimlessly surfing the internet, etc. Some of this is certainly worthwhile (reading Clausewitz most recently, for example), but for me, spiritual progress through a disciplined existence is hindered without rigorous daily martial practice. In other words, I need a constant reminder of the benefits of self-discipline, of walking the razors edge. As I said before, my personality (read "ego" here) is just not predisposed to a disciplined path by martial or any other means. It's predisposed to things more along the lines of drinking fine scotch whiskey, sometimes to excess, in the upscale establishments of Edinburgh, Cape Town, or Dubai, for example. It is very difficult for me to maintain self-discipline in spiritual matters, and I need a tangible measure of progress in order to push myself along. Using a martial art as a spiritual tool has helped me see that progression and the benefits that come with it, therefore driving me along this narrow path. Without it, I lose the drive and the discipline to continue. Sad but true.
I find some solace in that we who walk this disciplined spiritual path will always deviate from it. Alas, we are human and this act of deviation is a natural part of any spiritual progression. One learns about oneself and about life provided one does not stray beyond the point of no return. The real test of character is not one's conduct after straying from this path, though this certainly matters, but whether or not one recognizes their own act of straying and, if so, choses to return to the path.
Renewing commitment to a disciplined life is an essential element of growth in a life-long and committed martial or spiritual practice. Actions upon renewal can reveal the depth or shallowness of one's practice up to that point in time. A fresh look from a different perspective can often times reveal a facet of character or congruence of reality not seen before. These determinations, if heeded, can point the practitioner in a new direction aiding future growth and bring them closer to that ever elusive mastery of which Marcus Aurelius speaks.
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2 comments:
I have a couple of thoughts. The first is about harmony. I'm not sure what harmony in my life looks like. I'm pretty sure the only harmony I've ever really experienced was a buxom young lass at the Spearmint Rhino is Vegas. But that's another story. Is equanimity harmony? Is complacency? I don't necessarily think of harmony as a good thing. Not the way the New Agers intend. I'm generally pretty stable. I've been through a lot and I'm happy to say that I'm relatively proud of how I have comported myself through all this. The only time I lost my composure was about my ex-- the South Carolina girl. I well and truly lost it then. I don't know if that was entirely because of her or I was just due given what I had recently experienced. I'm beginning to think that latter because I'm going through it again now and I'm much more composed about it this time. Despite all the pain of our previous encounter, I engaged with her yet again to the same result. But my reaction this time is much different. Insofar that I'm not a complete wreck, I guess I'm experiencing more harmony despie it all. But is that a good thing? I'm not so sure anymore. I've gone through my life making sure people and things don't hurt me. I've built layer of armour upon layer of armour. And ultimately, I'm not sure it has served me well. So I understand and relate to the wise Aurelius but I'm not sure that I agree with him.
As far as committment goes, particularly when it ocmes to the martial arts... I never felt like I had much of the commitment to the arts. I did it for as long as I enjoyed it. If I needed to stop because of whatever reason, I did. Now, over a course of doing the martial arts for 30 years, I've had many stops and starts, but I have always returned to the arts. I guess that says something. It's not a conscious commitment. It's just become part of my life. The fact of the matter is that I don't really like most people who do martial arts. I have very specific reasons for my art and if you don't share those reasons, I either classify you as a dilatante or a rube. But I think we arrived at the arts for very different reasons and perhaps we stay in them for differing reasons too.
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